


Spam Dealings

by StarWatcher



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Friendship, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-14
Updated: 2003-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24824527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarWatcher/pseuds/StarWatcher
Summary: Blair vents, Jim reasons.
Relationships: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg
Collections: Artifact Storage Room 3





	Spam Dealings

* * *

* * *

“Jim, you know the worst thing about spam?”

Jim looked up from the newspaper he was perusing while he waited for game-time; the Jags were playing the Bulls tonight. “Uh, Chief, spam is electronic junk mail. It’s all a pain in the ass; how can there be a ‘worst thing’?”

“Think about it, man. At least hard-copy junk mail can be transformed. Like, use the unprinted side of pages to write a shopping list. Or crumple it up and use it as kindling to start a fire. I know several people who use shredded junk mail as packing material when they mail stuff in boxes. 

“But spam simply takes up my time as I have to weed through my messages, identify the unwanted junk, and delete it. And I’ll bet it’s offensive to a lot of people. Like, I keep getting stuff that guarantees an increase in my bust size. I wonder if women get stuff that guarantees an increase in their cock size?” 

“Chief, how long does it take you to identify and delete a piece of spam?” Jim folded the newspaper, laid it on the coffee table, and ambled into the kitchen. Extracting a couple of beers from the fridge, he crossed to the table and handed one to Blair.

“Oh, I don’t know; maybe... two and a half seconds?” Blair accepted the offered bottle, and took a sip, staring thoughtfully at his open e-mail program.

“So, let’s see...” Jim grabbed a calculator from the kitchen drawer and started punching in numbers. “If you delete twenty-four pieces of spam, you’ve wasted a whole minute of your day. If you practice, you could probably delete thirty pieces a minute, saving yourself a whole fifteen seconds.” He shrugged. “Somehow, I don’t think that a minute, or even two, will be missed by the end of the day.”

“You’re missing the point, man. Multiply that minute by days, weeks, months. Expand my minute to all the people sitting at computers all over the country. Productivity goes down, costs go up... I’ve read where spam costs the country several billion dollars a year! Not to mention that it’s getting to be a major irritation to ME!” His voice rose as he expressed his frustration.

“Sorry Chief, I think you’re stuck with it. I mean, what can you do to make it go away? Not _your spam_ \-- I’ve seen blocking programs, which will probably help -- you can pick one up tomorrow. I mean, what can you do to wipe out all the spam on the Internet?”

“Not a damn thing! That’s why it’s so irritating! That’s --”

“-- why you should let it go and stop obsessing. Chief, it’s not worth you driving yourself into an ulcer. In the greater scheme of things, it just doesn’t make that much difference.” Crossing over to his friend, Jim gently removed Blair’s fingers from the keyboard and powered down the computer.

Blair’s shoulders slumped. “I suppose you’re right,” he mumbled. “But I wish I could do _some_ thing.” 

“Chief, you’re the smartest man I know. If anyone can come up with something, it’ll be you. How about --” Jim paused for a minute, wracking his brains for an idea that would lighten Blair’s mood. He snapped his fingers. “Got it! How about you devise some suitably devious punishments for the perpetrators who get caught? Make the results so heinous that it will actually make people stop and consider before they get into that.” 

“Oh, right, Jim, like that’ll ever happen! They get away with it because it’s easy and cheap to do, and damned difficult for any law agency to find their hidey-holes.” 

“But that’ll change. Didn’t I read that California signed a law to prosecute the major corporations that allow spam to be sent out in their name? If they’re hit on the bottom line -- their profits -- they’ll give up the practice. Now what you have to do...” Jim’s voice was encouraging, “...is to figure out something evil for the ones who actually set up the e-mail programs. They don’t have billions of dollars to fine, but I know you can figure out a way to hit them where it hurts.” 

“Well...” Blair’s irrepressible good humor was beginning to surface. He glanced over at his friend, noticing the glint of amusement in Jim’s eyes. His own lips quirked upward in response. “Okay. Um... How about they spend their jail time with unlimited computer access -- on a computer that has a modem speed of only fourteen B.P.S, and a mere sixty-four K of working memory?” 

“Sounds good,” Jim admitted judiciously. “How about their sentence runs one week for every thousand pieces of spam they sent?”

“Oh, man, lots of them would be in jail for _years_!”

“Is this a problem?” Jim grinned as Blair’s curls tumbled from the vigor of his headshake. “And if that doesn’t deter them, then what?”

Blair frowned. “Well, for a computer geek, there’s not much worse than a slow computer. Except...” His frown became an incandescent smile, and Jim congratulated himself on the success of this ‘mission’. “Except a really _fast_ computer, with _tons_ of memory -- and the only sites they can access are made up of nothing but cheesy advertisements, and the _only_ e-mail that they can get is spam. Five hundred pieces of spam per day, guaranteed!”

Jim chuckled as he saluted his friend with a raised bottle. “Sounds like a winner, Chief. We convict a few people with that sentence, and the rest will be dropping the spam so fast, their keyboards will be lonely.”

“I certainly hope so, man; I certainly hope so. But it’ll take time. What’ll we do until then?”

“In the long run? You get a spam-blocking program to deal with the worst of it, and get real familiar with the delete key to take care of whatever gets through. In the short run...” His voice changed to a seductive purr, “you can come upstairs and prove to me that _your_ cock doesn’t need any enlargement.” 

Blair closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then exhaled forcefully while shaking his head and torso, _as if,_ Jim thought in amusement, _he can just shake away the aggravation_.

But maybe he could. Blair glanced up at Jim with a wicked grin. “Only if you prove the same thing to me, man.” He sprinted for the stairs, shedding clothes as he went. “Last one naked is a rotten egg!”

Jim followed more slowly, chuckling to himself. His life-partner didn’t have a one-track mind, but it was amazing easy to derail him from any other tracks onto this one -- and Jim loved him for it. He quickened his pace; he didn’t want to keep Blair waiting.

* * *

**~The End~**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> On the Senad mailing list, it was customary to "pay for" off-topic posts with an "obsenad" - a snippet with **ob** ligatory **sen** tinel **ad** ult content. These snippets usually have Jim and Blair dealing with a problem similar to the posted observation. Since Senad is an "adult" list, it is expected that there will be some slash content, however mild. 
> 
> In November, 2003 (according to the 'properties' listed on the document), I produced an Obsenad for a post or question that I no longer remember, although I can assume that it dealt with spam. <g> Then, since it was almost time for my dues on SentinelAngst, I rewrote the end to produce a gen version and posted it on that list. This is the original version, with a few changed words and a bit more added description.


End file.
